Why telling someone is so great!
Because you know what? Then they know! And then they understand why you’re nervous and shy! Yay!
Unfortunatly, I have to tell a new manager tomorrow. Gutter! I’ll be happy when I do, but it is scary, you do get shakey, and I have no idea what her reaction will be. That’s enough to make it a bit scary. And although my boss knows, none of my colleages do, so they’re probably still thinking I’m just moody and weird. 🙂
I’m really happy to get my new job – I’ll be contracted 21.5 hours a week. 17.5 in a big store and 4 in a small store. I’ve worked at the small store before, but the big store is very new. I’ve been there training before, but it’s my first day working tomorrow! I also do a lot of overtime, in these two stores and in other stores where I know some managers and staff. All in all, I’ll probably work between 21.5 hours and 40 each week. Just depends.
One thing I would like to point out about working in a chemist – “family planning” is a very weird issue for me. Having to advise anyone is way too much of a trigger for me. I can sell stuff and I can just about price-check the shelves, but that’s about as involved as it gets.
I’m also very excited about the 29th of April! Angela Shelton Day! So there’s a campaign called Report It Now, which has been organised to give survivors the chance to report their rape, abuse, assault. If you’re in the US you can join more survivors as courthouses to file a rape report, or if you’re unable to do that, there’s a form you can submit on the Report It Now website, so you can report it to someone! The reports to the website arn’t passed on, and stay with the organisers – the reports are counted to see how many people used the day. It would be amazing if everyone who ever was violated reported on the same day – I guess we’d all have to wake up about it.
Got dishes to do – x!
Why can’t you trust anyone?
Written: last week? Friday 28th March
Also titled, “why do you keep flitting between different doctors, friends and colleges, and tell them different pieces of the story, somehow wishing they’d all have a secret meeting, Sandford Neighbourhood Watch style, and collaberate between each other?”.
I’m getting to a peak in anger/depression, where I’m really, really angry, so I’m pushing people away, and then becoming depressed because no-one’s there. I’ve also gone to another doctor (for tonsilitis), and because of the wait and the ambience of the waiting room I got really upset, so I had to come clean about why I was crying when I got to her consultation room. I’ve an appointment with her on Friday about my mood, and on Monday I’m going to another GP’s gyno clinic. The gyno is partially for periods, but also that I think I may have vaginismus, or something along those lines. Vaginismus is a (predominantly) psychological disorder, though it can be caused by something physical like an infection, where the abdominal muscles in a woman will contract against her will. This makes trying to use tampons VERY difficult, and very painful. And if it’s caused because of psychologically, then that’s when we have to talk about why I don’t want anything in my vagina…..yay?
I really wish I could say outright – “I was abused”, but I just smile and behave for my psychiatrist. He’s a man I just can’t be fully honest with. Conversly, I told this wonderful Priest in Confession that I had a profound hatred of men (in general), and that I couldn’t be nice to them or trust them. Well – I can do those things, eventually. I still don’t know what I should do with men on a professional level. I see any man I don’t know well as an evil traitor and a supressor of women. Yeah, I know there’s plenty of women you opress men, and plenty of male survivors of abuse. I know what I think doesn’t make sense. But I still think it, and I find it hard to let go. I feel if I’m close to a man, I’m going to have to allow them to help themselves sexually – so I keep them away.
Why is it so hard to tell anyone?
Today, I told my partner the specifics of what my father did. I had to lie down under the covers of his bed with him sitting on top of them. I had to hold his hand and close my eyes while I told him. And I cried. But afterwards, it meant I could laugh and hug him and smile. It was weird – I could see that. But I felt so ashamed of it that I couldn’t possibly tell my patner outright. He knows I was abused, but telling him exactly what had happened – it really did make me feel not just like “damaged goods”, but “absolutely mental, total bitch class” of “damaged goods”. I understand, with adult logic, that I shouldn’t feel like that, but my father and his family all told me I had a duty towards my father, and told me that there was no-one who loved me more than he did.
What’s the deal with pity-parties?
A pity-party is where you all feel sorry for someone else, because someone did something bad to them. Sometimes, it makes everyone happy after they have a pity-party. But some people don’t like a pity-party. I don’t like a pity-party; when I tell someone I was abused, I don’t like them saying “sorry” – it would be better if they just hugged me or said “that’s ok”. I don’t like them taking the blame, because I am angry at my father, and I want him to take the blame. As a Catholic, I don’t want to judge him, and I don’t want to be an angry person. So I have to get rid of all this anger.
Anger is a big problem for anyone who has been abused who hasn’t fully “survived it” or “healed” yet, because usually when they get angry about something normal – maybe someone else being late for a meeting – they have a lot of anger there already about the abuse, so they get really, really, angry when something little happens. So we need to drop the anger, because it makes us tired and makes us look pretty weird. Getting rid of the anger is a very important part of surviving abuse, because it takes over your life. Some days, I’m really scared that I’ll actually hit a customer. Some customers do wear you down, and normally you can cope with that and still manage a real smile. But on angry days, it becomes incredibly difficult for me, because I’m not concentrating on them – I’m just being angry about my father. Then I don’t listen properly and I mess something up. Then they get more upset, then they upset me more because they’re angry, and I’m now angry that I’ve messed something up…..vicious circle?
Then you find out it’s an hour until your break. This isn’t a problem most days, apart from today you really want to just walk out of the door and sulk in bed.
Solutions!:
- at work, I went to the bathroom and hugged myself like a nice grown-up would hug a child, told myself it would be fine and that nothing bad is going to happen anymore (beats a panic attack?)
- I screamed hard from my abdomen at home
Physically, I felt good from screaming, and I work in a small shop, so it was only me in the bathroom. Handy! The hugging thing I found in a self-help book – the idea seemed strange and embarassing, but it helped a lot. The book also says holding a cuddley toy like you would a young child also helps, and some people get toys that look a bit like they did when they were a child.
[trigger]
I still haven’t mastered the anger! When I had ME I could hardly move, so I couldn’t do anything physical – before the ME, I had done loads of physical stuff! I havn’t got back into sport, but I hope I will soon. I’d love to run again, but I’d have to do itin the dark right now, if I were to train. Stan (one of ours dogs) isn’t up to it – he’s got Addison’s disease, and our other dog, Poppy, isn’t good at all for running in a straight line. Until I find a running partner, I can’t see my Mum welcoming this idea. My parents are both police officers, and my Mum used to work where we lived – she knew that sexual assaults and physical assaults and all of that occured regularly. But hey – I’m eighteen. And I can run.
It’s amazing how fast and how far you can run when your safety depends on it. On my paper round, years ago, a man got it out and said “suck on this, love” – I ran. I ran faster than I could normally, but I wasn’t tired. I was probaby too anxious to be tired.
[/trigger]Â
What does this bit do?
This blog will be a little bit Chloe-doing-therapy, a little bit Chloe-angry-about-all-abuse-ever, a bit Catholic, a lot feminist and stuffed with “oh wow I love this site/book/blog/vlog/sign – IT CHANGED MY LIFE!” posts. I decided to do it today, because I felt bad about myself at work today, and I don’t like leaving a problem as is – I want to have solutions to problems. I’m going to write this all down so I can blog or vlog from my phone or from a computer, so it’s all together and so I can see what people think of it all. And please, don’t throw a pity party. I don’t do those!
Shouting Silence 